Recently, a UN report on gender violence stated that, ‘The Deadliest place for women is Home.’
Surprised? Isn’t Home meant to be your comfort zone, your sanctum? Then why do I strongly agree with the statement? Well, it’s my observations and a few true stories I have collected on the way.
Physical abuse, dowry deaths, marital rapes…These are serious crimes which women are subjected to, only at home. Much has been talked and written about these, so in my piece, I’m talking of subtler everyday matters that often go overlooked but cut a nonhealing wound in a woman’s heart. All from the so-called comforts of her own home.
Lower Middle-Class Households
We often connect Domestic Abuse and Marital Discord with lower-income families, with many staying under one roof and tens of mouths to feed. I wouldn’t wish to generalize here, but here’s something I have seen. My maid and my cook, both experienced plenty of exploitation at the hands of their husbands and in-laws, in the name of dowry, or their so-called inability to birth a male child. Both these women are probably the most efficient and sincere in their professions, they hardly ever take leave. When her daughter gave birth, my maid returned to work in three days. Honestly, I suggested she take some more time off, but she casually brushed it away.
“There are far too many people at home, my son, their wives, the baby. Need my sanity in place, coming to work helps me switch off the tensions at home.”
By the way, both my house- helps have educated daughters, and they are financially independent too, thanks to their mothers’ encouragement. But at the end of the day, it’s the same story. When they return, there’s dinner to cook, loads to wash, a bunch of vessels in the sink, and none to help.
“She enjoyed being outside all day, let her not forget she has responsibilities at home too.” The mother-in-law commands and, alas, in 99% of cases, the son unfortunately agrees, or keeps mum, encouraging this kind of toxicity from the near family.
Middle / Higher-Income Families
I’m talking about the working middle-class double-income families here, generally nuclear. Some able to afford help, so they could return from work and rest. Not fretting too much about the cooking or washing. Yet, many of them prefer to spend their days at the workplace. If you think it’s only the financial factor, then trust me, it isn’t always.
Though there are huge numbers of marital rape and physical violence cases in this sector too, most women I have met are victims of something more vicious, Gaslighting.
Very common, for both working women and homemakers.
“He carries the burden of you and the kids. What’s wrong if our son works during weekends? How can he afford a holiday abroad all by himself? Don’t nag him too much, he alone has to pay for all your luxuries.”
It’s no better for working women.
“The house is so unkempt. Of course, she has all kinds of excuses, she works. She doesn’t have time. Her kids take tuition for all subjects, she is incapable of paying any attention to them. She does absolutely nothing at home, and has hired help for all chores. Are you ordering dinner, again? There are other working women too, who lives in such luxury?”
Do you think, neighbors pass these remarks? Oh no, they often drop out of relatives, in most cases, the closest.
Because the rest of the world has its own share of problems, own girls to bash.
The Spinster Woes
My mother called me up on evening with the latest gossip, “You know ABC Chechi (elder sister) saw XYZ Chechi’s daughter smoke outside her office, surrounded by boys. When her parents reprimanded her, this girl confided that she had no interest in men. You think she’s Ahem Ahem,?”
“What difference does it make Amma? If she’s happy…” I was too tired for this.
“Oh, you can say all that. Just imagine the kind of humiliation the family has to bear. Her father doesn’t want her at home anymore. She has a younger sister…”
“Now Amma, these days people don’t care if the elder one eloped or is different. Times have changed, marriage isn’t all that important.” I retorted.
“But she’ll eventually get married someday. Independence for girls doesn’t mean smoking, drinking or acting weird. In a small community like ours, such things don’t fade very easily. They matter.”
Somewhere deep inside, I knew Amma was right, that cousin of mine would be ousted and never much talked about. For what? A cigarette? A glass of wine? Her choice? And is the rest of the world bothered?
No. Just the family.
Let alone grave offenses against women, if she doesn’t feel respected, loved or appreciated within those four walls she calls home, which she has built and nurtured, then where is she supposed to feel warm and safe? The negativity and toxicity aimed at the woman of the house, in most homes, is obviously the doing of those residing in it, so why blame the outside world?
It’s like how some of my friends say, “Yes there’s stress at work. The boss is hostile, there’s a cartload of work. But at least they pay me.”
Ghar Pe Toh Who Bhi Nahi Milta!”
Note: This article was first published in The She Saga Magazine.
